Upsetting Content

Not too much to update you on.  But here's what I got.

The most significant thing happening right now is...Money.  I probably sound like a broken record.  But this surrogacy dream of ours is gonna cost an arm and a leg.  Legit.  And the initial bills are starting to roll in.  We've got an almost $5,000 bill for our attorney, which includes a retainer fee and a write-up, determination, and approval of the Parentage Agreement.  They'll also charge $395 as their hourly rate...A discounted $175 if the paralegal assists us.  What a deal!  Ha!  We also had to pay a $2,000 initial agency fee to Egg Donation Inc., which is dealing with the egg donating process of this journey.  Another $5,000 was due when our egg donor was medically cleared.  Finally, we owe a payment of $9,000 to the Surrogacy Center, who have been assisting us in managing the Gestational Carrier side of things.  That's about $20,000 in a month.  

And there's much more to come.  We're worried, wondering, and scared.  I always feel guilty complaining about the monetary issues of this undertaking.  However, I am sure straight people get anxious about this too when they're having a baby.  I know it will be worth it.  And there's no turning back now.  It's our dream.  We cannot quit it.  There's no way we could live with ourselves.  Not without this dream.  But I am still super anxious.  Mostly because I am terrified of living a "paycheck to paycheck" lifestyle again.  I've been able to live pretty freely over the last few years.  One reason why I have really loved my thirties.  Gawd, the twenties suck!  I'm comfortable.  Content. Sure, I'd love to make more money.  Sure, I'd like to be saving more money.  But Adan and I are blessed.  When we want to go out to eat, we do.  When we want to go on a little staycation or even a bigger vacation with or without the kids, we can.  When the kids need something for school or sports or clubs, we can get them it.  When we need gas or groceries or internet or electricity, we can pay our bills.  When we need clothes, we get them.  I mean, yes, we watch what we spend.  We try to be cheap and thrifty.  But we can get these things.  Easily.  Stress-free, for the most part.  I'm really scared of not being able to have this lifestyle anymore.  All of our savings will be depleted.  And we'll have even more "credit card bills" to pay for many, many years after that.  We'll have a whole other home equity loan hovering over our heads.  Will we be able to go get a glass of wine at our local joint whenever we want it?  Will we be able to pay for that baseball league fee for Jakey?  Will we be able to buy the kids nice clothes for school?  Will we be able to afford that gas to get to the grocery store to buy that carton of milk we're barely scraping by to purchase?  I cannot imagine the stress of these things being added to my life.

I try to think about the baby and the joy that will be added to our lives because of him/her.  I mean, how many glasses of wine can you really have in your life before they start to get a little boring?  How many vacations can you go on by yourself until it gets a little ho-hum?  How many days in your life can you really have before beginning to think "is there more to this?"  If Adan and I are already thinking that, imagine in five or ten or twenty or thirty years.  There's much more to this beautiful thing called life than money.  There's more to it than even vacations and traveling.  Food and clothes and sports.  There's more to it than any of these material things.  There's the love you experience between people in your life.  And this whole having a baby thing (or at least caring for a child) is probably the ultimate love.  Right?  Please, convince me.  LoL.  Besides, some day my child will be paying for my bills while I am in the old folks home.  Or I bet my child will someday be a doctor or famous movie start and will take care of us for the rest of our lives.  So, it will all make financial sense someday.  Someday.  We'll practically get our money back probably.  

(By the way, I am currently working on a couple surrogacy grants that are offered.  As you all know, I've been lucky with my traveling grants and fellowships.  I hardly pay for my travels anymore.  Haha!  But these grants are a ton of work!  Where's the time to work on them?!?!)

Lastly, and quickly, our first choice for an egg donor decided to change her mind last minute about donating her eggs.  I am not totally sure for the reason why.  It just seemed like it was one of those things that she thought maybe she'd want to do but once it became a reality, she freaked.  I hope it's not because she heard about our story.  Maybe she didn't want to help two gay guys?  Maybe she's a homophobe?  I hope that isn't the reason.  Either way, she was crossed off the list.  Consequently, we chose our second girl.  Erica.  She looks somewhat similar to Adan.  Very pretty.  Smart and fun and healthy.  And she's also involved with the fertility community already.  She knows the system and is comfortable with it all.  She seems to be a perfect choice.  As of right now.

Alright.  That is all, my friends.  Thanks for reading!  Thanks for supporting!  And if you want to make a donation to my "I Want To Be Able To Have Wine When I Want It" Fund, please let me know :-)