The Final Stretch

Woah!  It's been two months since my last post!  Ahhh!  But I ain't apologizing this time though.  Y'all should understand with my life.  Anyways, here we go...A quick list of random surrogacy journey craziness:

• This post has some pictures from our shower which was about a month ago.  It was amazing and Adan and I are so blessed to have our friends and family supporting us through not only our surrogacy but also through life in general.  Many (gay) people don't have that support and we're super thankful for everybody.  A huge shout-out goes to the Lady Lions along with our friend Joelene who legit produced the entire party.  I didn't have to put one ounce of energy into the party...They wouldn't let me!  And it was all perfect.  Can't express how incredibly grateful I am.  Also, thanks to my sister Shawn for assisting as well.  Oh, and my dad for also helping financially with the party.  The venue was great, the food was excellent (Hawaiian...Fit me wonderfully), and decor and vibe was awesome.  The only thing I didn't like was my speech...Which was all about being gay.  LoL.  Although it was nice to express it to friends and family who I have never really expressed it to, I wasn't nearly as eloquent and profound that I wanted to be.  Oh, well.  I'll do it better for our next baby shower :-)

• Our surrogate is being induced on August 2nd.  OMG!  I know!  Crazy!  In one month, we will have a baby.  I am excited and absolutely terrified at the same time.  Adan and I have been stressed with "nesting," getting the house cleaned and organized and prepared for our "lil' pan dulce."  Although the nursery is more prepared than it was...We still have a lot of stuff to do!  We haven't even built the crib yet!  But the floors and wood have been completed and our spectacular Neverland mural (from Disney's Peter Pan) is done.  I am guessing for the next blog post I will share pictures of not only the nursery but also the other kids' bedrooms which we've also remodeled in the past six months.  The last few days I was deep cleaning the bathroom, even re-painting it, and making space for the baby's meds, lotions, diapers, soaps, and bath toys.  Today I am hoping to deep clean the kitchen and find space for the bottles and that stuff.  Our house is small and packed already, so it's been an endeavor, that's for sure.  I'm trying not to get stressed by it all and trying to enjoy these last few moments baby-less...Cause it's gonna get crazier soon.  As a world traveler, it's nice to remember and realize that most families around the world have been able to raise beautiful, loving, responsible children on much less than us.  Although our house is tiny, I know we're still really privileged and have plenty and we are enough.  We'll be fine.  I think  :-) 

        I'm also getting other things ready...Like signing up the kids for their fall sports and clubs, making doctors and dentists appointments for them, starting to get their passports (I'd love to go with them soon to see Adan's family in Mexico), completing school registrations, and so much more.  Don't forget that there's also four other kids and I'm trying to get as much stuff done now so I don't have to worry about it once the baby is here.  Ahhh!

• The doctors have told us that the baby is all healthy and normal and all is good.  At 28 weeks gestation the doctors did a growth ultrasound on our baby. At that time baby was measuring 3 pounds and 1 oz which was around the 61 percentile for growth. Baby had enough fluid, was in a head-down position, and no concerns were noted.  Yippee!  I know I sound like a broken record but I can't express enough how thankful we are.  Crossing our fingers and praying hard that the baby remains healthy and strong.

• Our lawyers and the surrogate's lawyers are currently completing the legal agreements as far as the birth of the baby goes.  Although we're already totally covered legally by everything, these contracts deal with more of the hospital at the time of birth and the week or two after the birth.  It's a tad confusing and even I am overwhelmed by it all.  But it's essentially making sure that the hospital, the state, and all parties involved (in other words, everybody) treats Adan and I as the parents of this baby and nothing else.  We're guaranteed a room in the hospital, immediate skin-to-skin contact, obviously the ability to name the baby and have our names on the birth certificate, etc., etc. etc.  You can probably imagine how many complex legalities this situation holds and I am glad that we've done this surrogacy in the right way.  I've heard many horror stories from other gay couples who may have "cut corners" and went the more cheap and easy route (maybe doing their surrogacy in Mexico or China or whatever) and they then have major issues with a lot of stuff.  Yes, it has been much more expensive and time-consuming perhaps.  But it will hopefully all be worth it.  However, things could still go south and I'm always hoping and praying that everything ends up alright.  

• Our relationship with the surrogate has been much better in the last few months.  She seems happy, is gardening and exercising, and is in good spirits.  Of course she wrote me a text this morning that was a bit upsetting (I don't think I want to get into it here) but for the most part everything's been bright and positive.  I'm hoping to go visit her in Sheboygan next week.  I want to bring the kids along so they can see her belly and realize the reality of her sacrifice.  We also have to discuss a few details of the birth...For example:

• Who does she want to be in the delivery room along with her?  Although Adan and I have the right to be in there, I will give her the choice.  Is she comfortable with us in there?  Would she rather have her husband?  Her mom?  A friend?  I have heard from many people that being present for the birth of a baby is emotional and life-changing and I do think it's important for Adan and I to be there.  But I also think that what the surrogate is doing for us is unbelievable and I want to make sure she's feeling loved and utterly peaceful and comfortable in that most essential moment.  So we'll leave it up to her.

• Right when the baby is born, the baby is ours.  We can decide if our surrogate can hold the baby immediately or whenever or if we get to hold it right away.  We should probably discuss this beforehand...Because if y'all know me y'all know I'm not the best with decisions.  As of right now, I'd like Adan and I to be first to hold the baby but we'll of course allow the surrogate to also hold it soon after the birth.  That's what I am feeling right now, at least.

• Who will cut the cord?  This isn't really up for debate...We just need to make sure Angie and her husband and all of the doctors in the delivery room understand that Adan and I get to do that.

• After the birth, our surrogate must have the placenta or whatever safely ‘delivered’ so there’s no bleeding or infection possibility.  While that's happening,  the RN responsible for our baby will be with Adan and I and when they need to take the baby to clean her up, do another apgar, take footprints, etc.  we’ll be there with the baby.  We just need to make sure all those pieces that are discussed with Angie so she doesn’t feel left out or assumed to not be ‘needed’ anymore.  Her job is technically over, but she’s still the workhorse that did the work of bringing this baby into the world, physically.  So, yeah, we need to make sure she's also feeling appreciated and involved.

• Right after the baby arrives, the surrogate needs to know that the baby is OK, that she has all her fingers and toes and is pinking up properly (that’s when they do the first Apgar test), but she’ll also need to say Hello and Goodbye to this baby she has carried.  Our surrogate has given up a baby before, so she sort of knows what this may feel like.  She was 17 when she gave up her baby for adoption.  She’s a grown woman now, so it may be more different this time.  During our walk next week, I hope to discuss with her what she envisions for this initial meet and greet with the baby.  There will be time later for a real goodbye for her with the baby, after the baby is settled in our room and she’s recovering and thinking about going home.  It’s a time of accomplishment and satisfaction for the GC, but also sadness, since she has been intimately connected to this baby since the transfer.  She will feel the need for closure and confidence that this baby is in good hands: Adan’s and mine.  We will take our cues from her, but talk about it ahead of time.  It'll probably be emotional for all and I am terrible with emotions...I'm amazing at compartmentalizing.  But this isn't the time to be that at all.  So any and all discussions to prepare all of us for these emotions before the baby comes would be very helpful.

• Assuming there won’t be a C-section, our surrogate will be ready for discharge within 24 hours, or sometimes sooner, depending on how she’s doing.  Adan and I will stay with the baby for up to 48 hours, probably, so we’ll have more time to learn about newborn care.  Once again, making sure our surrogate is mentally and emotionally prepared for this should be talked about.  However, I know The Surrogacy Center, the Wisconsin Fertility Institute, and all of the lawyers have and doctors have also prepared our surrogate for this and I am 100% confident that she will have no issues with these circumstances.  She wouldn't have become a surrogate for us if she wasn't.

• Finally, we should connect about how much and what sort of contact she and Adan and I will have as she recovers from the delivery, finishes her relationship with the baby she carried for 9 months, and gets back to her usual life.  She may want pictures occasionally, or perhaps only on holidays.  We get to work that out with her and The Surrogacy Center will also be in contact with her frequently throughout these next few weeks.  We've discussed all of this a lot over the last year or two.  So we shouldn't have to chat about it too much.  She has always seemed to be okay with minimal contact if none at all.  And I am hoping that it stays that way.  LoL.  I don't mind sending pics and giving updates every once in a while...But I am not comfortable with having a relationship with her or anything like that.  I think she's okay with that from what she's told me before.

• My job was able to give me the total 12 weeks of paternity leave.  I have to use all of my Sick Days that I've saved up over the last 13 years of working there, but it's still really wonderful that I will get to spend so much time with our newborn and not have to stress about work.  I've got a pediatrician set-up.  Chose her because she went to UW-Madison and is a huge fan of the Badgers.  You know.  Priorities.  And we're currently working on finding a daycare, preferably one that will speak to our child in Spanish. Wish us luck!

• The last thing that I'm stressed about is that we still don't have a chosen name for our baby!  Ugh!  I mean, we have a bunch of ideas...But nothing set yet.  We're still thinking of that perfect name.  Ahh!  Oh, and we also haven't decided if we want to get the baby circumcised if it's a boy.  I'm like 70% don't.  And like 30% do.  LoL.  I feel like it's a body mutilation that isn't truly meant to be...If we did something like that to girls people would be furious and protesting in the streets. However, I know it's abnormal in America and I don't want him to be embarrassed in the locker room.  Adan and I really need to sit down and have some quiet time over some wine and discuss these things and really set them in place.  

Okay.  I think that's it. I'll probably write one more post hopefully before the baby comes.  I have like a million more things on my mind.  But yeah...I can't sit here in this cafe forever writing.  I got shit to do!  Like have a baby!  

Joe's Out.

P.S.  I feel like I repeat myself a lot in these blog posts.  Sorry I'm not writing anything enlightening.  I'm writing my book right now and all my creative juices are going towards that :-)